Extremely Embarrassing

My Week in a nutsheel:

#1. As this man is speaking on the Republican National Convention:

I ask Crawford if that is Ryan... He doesn't speak to me for a solid 10 minutes. #idiot #usweeklyisntnews

#2. I search high and low for "easy" cookies to bring to a friend's ranch this weekend. I opt for easy White Chocolate Ritz Peanut Butter Cookies. I jot down ingredients, the gist of the recipe, and I go to town. I don't cook a lot, but in the words of my Mom "I'm pretty good at entertaining dishes." So basically, this should be my forte, right? Wrong. So, so wrong.

Exhibit A

 

 Peanut butter sandies anybody?! Gosh, this IS easy.

I remember the recipe said to melt the chocolate in the microwave, but I I use a double boiler because that's the only way I've ever melted chocolate. (Basically I am on my high horse... Microwave? Psh. Amateur hour.) So the white chocolate chippies are melting away, and it occurs to me that I do not understand how in the world something that thick could coat these little sandies without absolutely scalding my fingers. (No, tongs never entered my mind, but this was truly so thick they wouldn't have helped). Crawford is about to take Greta on a walk and notices that I am about to need a trip to the ER for 3rd degree burns, so he aborts the walk. Long of the short, this is what happened.

Exhibit B

Doo doo iced crackers with me yelping Owww! Hot! Like a 2 year old. (Notice the blurb of chocolate... I obvs still eat one of them).

Not yet defeated, I decide that melting them in the microwave is probably a better route? (Tail between my legs). I remember the recipe said to stir every 30 seconds, but that gets really old, and nothing is happening, so I let it reallyyy get going for 2 minutes. Herein lies the result:

Exhibit C 

In sum, this morning I do a little research, and here's the BLARING problem: I should've gotten "white almond bark" rather than actual white chocolate. I know you're saying DUH to the computer screen if you're even still reading, but I can be quite literal when it comes to new things, and these were called "Easy White Chocolate Ritz Peanut Butter Cookies." So, if anyone wants some Ritz PB Sandies... you know where to get them. I contemplated bringing them to work until I remembered we don't have recess or nap time.

#3. Crawford asks me what brass instrument I would play if I could play anything... I say the harp.

BB Cream... A Secret Society?

I originally ran across bobbi brown's BB Cream in the latest issue of DFW's Indulge Magazine. After telling a fellow bobbi lover about it (sup, lanyl?), I assumed the "BB" was just a play on bobbi brown. The blurb essentially dubbed it as a one-stop shop for your face. We're talking moisturizer, primer, foundation, sunscreen. What more do you need in life? As intrigued as this product whore was, I decided I was happy with my current foundation, and if you read the last post (there are only 6 of you, please fake it that you read the previous post), you know how much I love my moisturizer with SPF.

Well.

This was before I realized that half the world- literally the entire Eastern Hemisphere- has been on the BB train for years. Hello, loop, it's been a while. This stuff is everywhere! Garnier, Clinique, Smashbox, and many, many more have been touting this stuff as THE product for a while now. It has its own wikipedia page for crying out loud! As I said, it originated in East Asia, and the "BB" stands for Blemish Balm or Beauty Balm (among other monikers). So judging from the "blemish" half of this equation, I'm assuming it helps with pesky pimples as well? Has anyone tried this? Are you all out there BB'ing it up and I don't know it? I've never felt so alone. I think I might try the Garnier first, since it's only $12.99!! Stay tuned.

Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!

Rodan+Fields Dermatologists

I've never had bad skin per se, but I definitely am not one of those people (ahem, Abbie) that has complete strangers tell her how perfect her complexion is... and then they ask me if I'm her mom. Twice. This has happened twice.

Scenario One: Getting pedicures, relaxing, biggest care is what color to pick when Abbie's lady points at me asks her... "This your mom?"

Scenario Two: Abel's on the Lake after a Texas loss last year (weird, I know), and Douchey McDouche is hitting on Abbie. He turns to me and says, "I'm sorry, Lady, but your daughter is hot."

Kill me.

Point being, Abbie has perfect peaches and cream skin, and my skin has now gone from "not bad per se" to holy balls I look like The Crypt Keeper in a matter of sentences.

What was my point? Oh right. This skincare line is amaaaaaaazing!!! And clearly I need it. A sweet friend sells it on the side, and after clicking her gchat status with the product site, she sold me. (Thanks, Emilie!) I am 6 weeks in, and I can certainly tell a difference. I went for the Anti-Age Regimine (if you even make me repeat why), and it is a 3 step system that you use morning and night. All of the steps are labelled very clearly, so that helps. Unlike the 4 step nail buffers you buy at CVS that come with directions that you always throw away because you're sure you'll remember, then the next thing you know, you're shining your nails before you use the rough part, and everything just seems like a huge waste of time. Like reading this blog.

omg medicine please. someone.

Ok, so Step 1 is this awesome exfoliating Daily Cleansing Mask that makes your skin feel soooo squeaky clean. We're talking like you have gotten every last bit of dirt and makeup out of every last pore. I know what you're thinking, Wow, that sounds like a mask/scrub that an extremist (hi!) would reallyyy get into, but it seems a little harsh, right? A scrub/mask twice a day? Well, it magically isn't! My skin is more hydrated and smooth than it has been in a long time. Stay with me though. Step 2 is the Pore Minimizing Toner with a light smell, and while that's drying I typ put my eye cream on (I have not bought the R+F eye cream because I love my bobbi brown, but I might get crazy and switch over once it runs out). After the toner is dry, you put on the Step 3 lotion specific to day or night. In the morning, you put on the Triple Defense Treatment (i.e. the one labeled "am", unless you are Allie, and you work nights. In which case, my mind is BLOWN) and it has spf 30 in it, is not too greasy, nor too wimpy. The Overnight Restorative Cream for night time (duh) is the JAM. It makes you feel like a goddess with supple, glowing skin right before you go to bed and only your dog or your significant other that is more interested in Breaking Bad sees you. Le sigh.

A few notes: My skin is super sensy to new products, and this did not break me out. I will say that it brought impurities out in the first couple weeks, but it was not like a full on pizza party, and they have since subsided. Also, it is not cheap. However, for $193, you're getting at least 2 months worth of products that truly make a difference. So, there ya have it!

Love,

Mom

The Dukan Diet

I attempted the Dukan Diet because Kate and Pippa were rumored to have done it.

"If Kate and Pippa jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Yes. Yes I would.

"If Kate and Pippa smoked crack and pulled out all their hair, would you?"

Why, Yes. Yes I would.

Ughh, if Pippa and Harry could just make it work, the wheels would be OFF.

And that, ladies and gents, is how to get flagged as a potential stalker threat to the royal family. You're welcome.

Perfection.

Back to it...

Dukan. It works, I'll tell you that much. There are 4 phases, but in true Mary Clay fashion, I was hardcore until a little over halfway through phase 2... and then I fell off the wagon.

In a nutshell:

Attack phase: Eat ONLY protein, excluding obvious fatty meats (duck, ribs, sausage... geez now I'm drooling), fat free dairy, and the obligatory 1.5 Tbsp of oat bran for anywhere from 2-10 days, dependent upon what Dr. dukan prescribes for your particular weightloss plan.

Cruise Phase: Introduce vegetables to your diet, but only root vegetables. No legumes (again, sorry La), no starchy potatoes or corn, and carrots and beets in lesser amounts because they are higher in sugar. Also, you up your oat bran to 2 Tbsp a day in this phase. You can alternate veggie/protein/oatbran days with protein/oat bran days (a la the Attack phase). OR you can eat v/p/o five days a week and p/o the remaining 2. (There are a couple other forms of alternation of v/p/o and p/o, but you get the gist... you better, because I'm over explaining this).

Consoldation Phase: Introduce fruit, bread, fattier cheeses... In my opinion it gets far too technical here, and you're bound to become obsessive and crazy. (I know nothing about that).

Stabilization Phase: You can eat what you want, in moderation (I know nothing about that- no really- nothing), while still maintaining the oat bran (up to 3 Tbsp at this point... mmm) and having a Protein Only Day on a consistent day each week. (Doc suggests Thursdays. Why? No idea).

As for liquids: Coffee, diet drinks (which I think are TERRIBLE FOR YOU), unsweetened tea, and water... No alcohol. Pssh, yeah right.

Ok I'm tired of talking about this, and anyone still with me is tired of listening. News flash: if you STOP eating ALL carbs (except oat bran... Im sorry, wth? This is a cult. I need to be committed) and virtually all fat- you WILL drop weight. Like realllyyy quickly. That said, spending one night knee-deep in a bag of Doritos, a loaf of bread, and some Oreos covered in peanut butter (I know nothing about that), and you're back where you started, plus 8 lbs. If you're still interested (seriously?), visit the website for the official rundown and/or read the book (Yep, I read that too). Clearly, I did get pretty into it for the time I did it, and it heeded results. However, it all comes back to that "I'm not having fun, and I'm not that fun to be around" feeling... which is, well, not fun.

A girl's definition of fun: (universal adj) can be used to describe anyone, anything, any action, any feeling, any emotion, any awkward silence, any embarrassing moment, any outfit, any fleeting vocabulary word.
ex: She is so fun! That top is so fun! Are you having fun? OMG this is so fun! I had fun. How on earth did you not have fun?


In other FUN news, we have our first shower/engagement parties this weekend!!! Giddiness.  

MC's Must Sees (You see what I did there...?)

Contrary to what this title might insinuate, I'm not very good at going to the movies. For all 5'2" of me, I can never seem to get comfortable. However, at the Movie Tavern, they have little tables that swing in front you for your food (obviously). I recently found that pulling the table toward me and draping my legs over it brings pesky theater comfort to a more bearable level. At the last movie we saw, Crawford leaned over to me mid-adjustment and begged, "What is wrong with you?" Due to this discomfort issue, my inablity to pay attention, my love for the pause and rewind buttons, and the fact that any given theater is almost always 58 degrees max, I can count on two hands the movies seen in the past 5 years. All of that said, we watch the heck out of some series. You could call me a Sage on Series...? Serious about Series...? Seriously, Shut Up. Ok.

Downton Abbey.

The clothes, the accents, the decor, the dramaaaa, did I mention the clothes? Swoon. Set on a fabulous Estate in Yorkshire just after the Titanic sinks in 1912, the heir to the Downton fortune (well not technically, because the real dough comes from the American mother, but I digress) is in question since the only children of the Lord and Lady of the house are 3 women. And the thought of a female heir- ohh the very idea! I most empathize with Lady Mary (one name) because she is the eldest and by far the most self-consumed. The plot follows her love life most closely, and she is utterly stunning- again with the empathy. All these people actually do is get dressed for dinner and mill about the Estate while the servants wait on them hand and foot. There is a parallel of sorts between the love stories and evil plotting of the servants' quarters and their employers residing upstairs. The grandmother and matriarch of Downton is the Countess of Grantham, played by Maggie Smith, and she is hilarious. She says things like, "What is a weekend?" and looks utterly repulsed when a "job" is mentioned. While I assume mostly female viewers, the history and lifestyle indeed appeal to the masses. Season 3 begins in early 2013. I don't want to give too much away, so just trust me and cue it up on your Netflix. Like now. GO!

Lady Sybil, Lady Mary (<3), and Lady Edith

Paleo

I went on a really intense 3 week commitment to Paleo. (insert sarcasm font). However, it was so intense that I made Crawford's birthday cake paleo-friendly. I'm sorry, wth is wrong with me?

Happy birthday, honey! Here's a delicious gluten-free, wheat-free, dairy-free, all-organic chocolate cake! mmmmmmmmm. 

It scares me how much of a freak I am sometimes. Anyway, as selfish as this birthday experiment was, it actually tasted reallyyy good. In case you're interested in making someone special's birthday about you:

Recipe and pic via  

Ok back to my point. Paleo. I think there is definite merit to the principles behind it. The basis being you eat as if the agricultural revolution never happened. i.e. no wheat, dairy, gluten, oats, legumes (meaning no beans or garbanzos, lauren :), or anything processed because these foods spike insulin levels and lead to that I can't stop eating this! feeling. (I know nothing about that feeling). There are several other arguments to this lifestyle, but I pretty much tune out whenever anything remotely scientific enters the picture. My sister is a nurse, and I am Charlie Brown listening to adults when she uses even the simplest medical terminolgy. I digress. The bulk of your diet is heavy on meat, a little less on veggies, much less on fruit, and varying degrees of natural fats (i.e. avocado, coconut oil, evoo, nuts- except peanuts) dependent on your weight loss goal. However, the Paleo community gets a little wary of those seeking the "lifestlye" as a diet... because it's not a diet... it's a way of life. Anyway. I read Robb Wolfe's A Paleo Solution, and I got a lot out of it. For 3 whole weeks. I'm ridiculous. One noteworthy tidbit I did learn is to cook with coconut oil- amazinnng. Apparently it's less toxic than evoo when you're cooking at high stovetop temps. (Still use evoo for the oven though, it works much better). Also, Crawford strongly dislikes coconut, and he can't even tell when I cook with it. muahaha. Long of the short, I realized that while eating like this DOES make you feel really good, and I definitely felt myself de-bloat quite a bit, it's just plain not fun.

Oh, thanks for having us over for dinner! Oooh... that meat was cooked near the buns? Eh, sorry, I'll have to pass. Just give me the celery. No hummus either, but thanks!

Call me weak, call me crazy, but I can't live like that. Not fun for me, not fun for the people around me. This is my personal opinion, and I truly respect anyone's ability to adhere to Paleo... but I simply love eating late night and drinking real beers entirely too much for it. Said the 20 year old frat boy.

The Cooler Cleanse

I did the Cooler Cleanse shortly after I started my new job. More specifically, I was less than a month in, and I not only had a huge box over-nighted to the mailroom, but I also occupied an entire drawer in the community fridge with these (and other) numbered gems:

Who's new girl? I dunno, but she drinks juice all day.. AND she took up a whole drawer??! 

So cool it's scary. To summarize:

Day One: This is awesomme!! I feel so healthy! Everything tastes so good! Yummyyyy green juice! I LOVE YOU! This is so easy... who needs to chew? I sure don't. Calorically it's a decent amount and with the final "juice" being about 50% of said calories, it is enjoyed as the delicious straight-up milkshake it tastes like. Meaning: I am truly never hungry all day! A juice every 2 hours to total 6 juices a day? Easy-peasy.

Morning Day Two: Still going strong until about 11am. I'm In my boss's office (juice in hand, duh, I have no shame), and I can...hardly...keep...my eyes open. It was pretty much how I picture Katniss when she gets stung by the Tracker Jackers. For those non-HGers (sorry for you) imagine calculus class taught by a french guy with a thick accent after a late night out. There. OH and I'm freezinnnnnnng. Like all day long, shiverinnnnnnnng. At my previous job I had a tye-dye snuggie I would bust out in that freezer of an office but I'm new here, remember? There's a reputation to uphold... ha.

Evening Day Two: Oh, hello Mary Clay the DEVIL. Nice to meet you.

Day Three: I JUST WANT TO CHEW. And not gum- I try to adhere to the strict guidelines (read: extremist), so I gag down the doo-doo green drink. I hate you! I try to imagine life with a knife and fork. This attitude pretty much continues until about 3pm when suddenly.....  "I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLLLLD, LOOKIN' DOWN ON CREATION" (That means YOU - PEON that actually eats their food... ew).

I know this girl looks exactly like me, but it's not.

Pic from this adorable blog : Could I Have That

My skin is dewy, my hands are more moisturized than I've ever seen them, and I just feel so good! I'm looking forward to tomorrow's meal, but genuinely, genuinely glad I did this. Would I do it again? Heck yeah... But not for a long, long, long time. The no coffee thing was definitely tough, but I'm glad to know I actually can survive without it.

Word of advice: Don't do this cleanse prior to a wedding weekend. (As if that's even possible these days). I 100% negated every morsel of goodness those 3 days did me... Innnn about 8 hours.

Where have you been all my li-i-i-iiiife...

Rihanna- I'm right here.

If you read the About, you'll understand the hiatus. I'm so sorry dear blog, but it appears I grouped you into the "things I inevitably drop" category, and it wasn't cool. In my defense, Crawford proposed not long after these first posts (Yippee!!!!!!!), so I must admit I cheated on you with the following:

www.pinterest.com
www.stylemepretty.com
http://lover.ly/
www.etsy.com

There were countless others, but I promise they meant nothing to me except 2,983,649,265 ideas and inspiration. Also, a special thank you to the gals of GG2k12 for encouraging me to get back on the horse and for laughing at me even when I'm not funny. Which is hardly ever.

I will give a brief re-cap of Day 3 in Chicago, and I promise it actually will be brief, because I hardly remember anything. Except this:

Pequod's. Go there. Do not go to Gino's East or whatever the other super-touristy places are. Go HERE. PS I quite like the Ole Miss junkie with his Horns up, don't you?

and this:

Wrigley. Amazing. The Cubs lost (err choked) and it was still so much fun!! That said, the first thing I sassed when we walked in the stadium was, "Gosh, this is small." Brat. (GO RANGERS!) After a minute of puffing out my Texas chest (and fluffing my Texas hair?), I realized the charm of this old school staple. No Lil' Wayne playing before they bat, no racing Ozarka dots, no obscene 2 foot long hot dog (can't wait to try that btw), just the good ol' fashioned organ and fans that all knew each other by name. No seriously. It felt like high school! It was so apparent that this is just what they do on Saturday... and every other Saturday before and after this. In fact, they do it so often there is simply no reason for them to even watch a play, much less the game. (Said the girl that has mastered the art of "watching" a sporting event with my girlfriends... ie "OMG, your hair looks so good! I love that top! Do you need to go to the restroom? I'll get more beers." All while angling toward each other in a position that is physically impossible to pay attention to anything other than each other... and most importantly to the gal with the greatest gossip).

and finally this:

Goose Island. We made besties with a couple guys from Bahhhh-ston and a kind bartender that lead us to Pequod's, all while we enjoyed delicious homegrown brews. If another opportunity presents itself to visit Chicago, I feel confident we will jump on it. Such a friendly, lively, and flat-out fun city. In a nutshell, it is the small town person's big city. (Yes, I came up with that all on my own!) Until then, I hope to post more consistently about my various antics and latest obsessions.


Speaking of HOPE and Chicago, Crawford's precious cousin Strother (prounounced Struh-ther) is headed to the Windy City, Lord willing, in the next week or so. If you get a free minute, check out this little superstar's website: www.strotherstrong.com